January 7, 2018

HEY THERE! Happy 2018! Can't believe another year has come and gone. I've been thinking about this last year a lot, and I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't my favorite year. The question is why? Why did it feel so shitty? It took me until this week to really nail down the reasons it felt so... sad? Empty? I'm not sure. Let's just start from the beginning. There's a lot to unpack.

So in October of 2016, we (Luke, Hunter, and I) played a show in Las Vegas that was so bad it made us decide to quit touring for a while. It is a long story for another day, but just know that it was awful. All three of us unanimously decided we did not want to do this anymore. We agreed that we would go home, get a house together, and spend the next year writing and recording our next album. We were tired and burnt out. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. We had spent most of 2015/2016 in our mini van touring the country playing some incredibly fantastic shows, but mostly playing to empty rooms or to people who did not care. We made some wonderful friends and saw some amazing places, but it ultimately killed our desire to continue playing shows.

In January of 2017, we signed a lease on a cute little fixer upper in the Joplin area. It was a new start for us as a band, and also as people. Living on the road for so long caused my closest relationships back home to suffer. It wasn't anyone's fault, it is just hard to keep in touch and keep up with everyone's changing lives while you're away 95% of the time. I was determined to fix all of that.

Luke and I both got new jobs in February working for a mental health service called Ozark Center so that we did not have to rely on music to pay for our expenses and also for our recordings. For those of you that don't know, recording music is hella expensive. It was our biggest expense each month that year so we needed something steady. Ironically, Ozark Center contributed to the downfall of my mental health last year. I was slowly losing my mind working in such a negative environment for so little pay, and it was hard to notice at first. The longer the year wore on, the worse and worse I felt without realizing it was a problem. I'll come back to this later.

We started recording one song a month in Springfield with Kevin Gates, who became a very dear friend this year. We'd spend three days at a time at his in-house studio hanging out, creating, and making our ideas into a reality. It was incredibly therapeutic because these songs are very personal for us. We decided to write an album based around one day with each song representing a different part of that same day. We decided to base it around the day that Luke had his skateboarding accident. That particular day caused a lot of anxiety and lingering issues for me because I was there, and I did not know if he was going to be the same again or even survive the head trauma. It was bad. This album was hard to write and also record because I had to face my fears and relive that day over and over and over to get everything out perfectly. I'm glad we did, though, because I feel more at peace. It was something I had to do. These songs are emotional for me, and have so much heart. Even if they go nowhere, I'll have them forever, and I'm proud of what we accomplished.

Anyways, 2017 was filled with so much stress from working dead end jobs, barely making enough money to scrape by, and learning how to live with roommates again.

Finally, in December I got a new job at Missouri Southern, and put in my two weeks at Ozark Center. I worked both jobs those last two weeks, and the difference between them was like night and day. I was moving from a negative environment to the most positive place ever. I couldn't believe it! On one of my last days at Ozark Center, the other receptionist and I got yelled at by a client's mother. Like, literal screaming and yelling at us in person because she didn't understand the process. I did not even know what to do. The other receptionist was crying, and I was on the phone with another client, and it was just a bad situation all around. One of our therapists had to intervene. The next day, I told my boss I wasn't coming back. I had had enough. It just wasn't worth it to finish out those two weeks. MSSU needed me for extra hours anyways, so it was nice being able to give my all to my new job. Luke had just as bad of a time at his location at Ozark Center, and put in his two weeks around the same time as me. We were able to enjoy our holidays in peace since MSSU was closed for break, and he no longer had a physical job -- just his graphic design work.

Since my last day at Ozark Center, my outlook on life has changed completely. I did not realize how much it was clouding my life until I left. 2018 is now a time for me to focus on the positives, and work on myself. I see my flaws clearly, and I am working to better myself for me and for those around me. I'm excited for this new leaf, and I'm ready to face this new year. HECK YA.  

Adventure

Over Christmas break I got to meet up with a TON of friends of mine that I never get to see anymore. We all live in different towns, whether it be an hour away, or on the other side of the country. It's been such a huge blessing to be able to make time for all of them. I have some of the greatest friends in the entire world.

I also got to see my grandparents several times (all of them!) which has been really cool. They tell cool stories from way back when they were kids. They always have something interesting to say. :) Oh, and tonight we had a fish fry at papa and grandma's! Those are always special. We've done those ever since before I can remember, and it's my favorite meal in the entire world. Partly because it's so freaking delicious, and also because I really enjoy spending time with my grandparents. It's also very nostalgic for me. Hot summer nights hanging out at papa and grandma's eating fish and corn bread. Then sitting on the front porch swing as the sun sets behind the high school across the street just chatting about life. Playing with Barney in the backyard, and giving him hugs, and taking him for walks. Walking to the corner store around the block to get a newspaper and some bubble gum. Some of my favorite memories are with them.

One last thing: my friend Courtnie does this word of the year thing, and I've been playing with the idea of doing it myself. I've been trying to come up with a word for this year, and I really think I want that word to be Adventure. Luke has kind of inspired me to be more adventurous, and I really think that would be something good to focus on this year. Last year had some really cool moments, but a lot of it I spent worried or stressed out about school. I'm so sick of being stressed out over something as stupid as school. I know, I know, my future blah blah blah, but you know what? It's not worth hating my life over. I won't let school get me down anymore. DID YOU HEAR THAT?! I WON'T LET SCHOOL GET ME DOWN ANYMORE! So there's that. I'm going to focus on doing new things with Luke. Taking day trips to new places to explore, and do new things. I know that life is what you make it, so I'm going to make mine even better. I have too many down days to be acceptable, and I won't let that be an issue anymore. So in the words of Bilbo Baggins, "I'm going on an adventure."