May 17, 2019 - Red and Blue

I just realized I never finished my post about our album, 'Dear Sam'. I had planned to go in-depth on each song, and kind of explain what they mean to me. Eh, I'm lazy, so whatever. I may or may not get around to it. We'll see. 

Today, I wanted to talk about one song in particular, though. Red and Blue. Today marks the 5 Year anniversary of Luke's skateboarding accident. The day that changed everything and the day that this entire album is about. It's an important day to remember and celebrate the fact that he's okay even after a freakin' brain injury. 

Red and Blue is the most literal song we've ever written. It was scary to write and to be so vulnerable, but it needed to happen. I had a VERY tough time recording it in the studio because it kept bringing back all of the horrifying memories of that night that I had kept hidden for so long. I'm actually not sure if I've ever shared this story before?? 

Okay, so five years ago, Of Course Not (the band we were in at the time) was booked to play a Sweet 16 birthday party with Sick of the Day (now known as New American Classic). We were stoked. 

Clearly. Disney movies, pasta dinner, and playing music with some of our bffs? YES, PLEASE. We were supposed to go on after they played Frozen on the projector screen. Luke didn't want to watch Frozen again since we had just seen it, and asked if I wanted to go hang out with him outside while he skated in the parking lot during the movie. I said no because obviously I wanted to watch Frozen. Something that will haunt me for a long time after. Halfway through the movie, the birthday girl's mom came to find me. She told me there had been an accident, and my mind was racing. I looked around to see if I could find Luke, but he wasn't there. My heart was beating so fast as she had me follow her outside to see the flashing lights from the ambulance and Luke being carried on a stretcher and bleeding profusely. I couldn't comprehend what was happening and just started sobbing. My mind was racing but time was standing still. I didn't know what to do? I didn't know if he was going to be okay, but I definitely thought the worst. I felt so much GUILT for not hanging out with him because I chose to watch Frozen instead.

Someone went and got Michael and Kyle, from SOTD, and Gerardo, our drummer at the time, from inside and I remember a lot of crying and hugging. I got a ride to the hospital and they met us there. We didn't have any information for a loooong time. Someone called my parents and they drove an hour and a half to meet us there. I told all our Solace friends, and so many people showed up to support us. So much of that night is just a blur that I can't even remember properly. Luke's parents were living in South America at the time. It was a f*cking nightmare. 

The doctors finally let me go back and see Luke in the ER, and it was traumatic af. He was still unconscious, tied down to the table, and fighting his restraints. I didn't know what to do?! THEY LEFT ME ALONE WITH HIM IN THE ER AS HE'S TRYING TO SIT UP OFF THE BED. I HAD TO HOLD HIM DOWN SO HE WOULDN'T FALL OFF THE BED. THAT IS NOT OK. 

They finally came back, and had a little bit of news, but not any answers. They said he fell and hit the back of his head with such a force that it fractured his skull in the back, and his brain moved forward and fractured his skull in the front, too. They didn't know if he would be alright, how damaged his brain was, or if he'd remember anything. They put him in ICU and told us to come back in the morning. 

My friend, Courtnie, took me home and stayed the night with me so I wouldn't be alone. It was awful. I couldn't sleep. How do you sleep if you don't even know if your favorite person will even wake up or remember who you are??? 

The next morning, I got a phone call from the hospital. Bracing myself, I answered, and IT WAS LUKE. The first thing he said was, "Torey, what the hell happened?!" I've never felt such relief as I did in that moment. 

We went back to the hospital, and he was sore, but miraculously alright, all things considered. He still doesn't remember what happened to make him fall so hard, though. We had a few weeks of recovery time to go, and he had to be EXTRA careful for the next six months to make sure he doesn't hurt his brain again, but we made it! 

So anyways, that's the brunt of the story. It was traumatic for everyone involved, but we're okay now. Our album is how we dealt with it. I still don't like reliving it, but it's much easier to talk about now. 

We're going to spend today CELEBRATING that he's okay, and that he remembers everything except the actual accident and the first night in the hospital. I forgot to mention that the nurses told me when he was first admitted into the hospital he said, "How much is this gonna cost?!" Hahahahahahaha. Funny, yet not b/c America's healthcare is a joke. Also, it's worth noting that he hardly swore before his brain injury, but he definitely dropped the f bomb in front of his MOTHER during his recovery. So...yeah. People ask how his personality changed after the brain injury, and that's the only thing, really.   

Anyways, I'll never forget the kindness that our friends and families and even strangers showed us during this whole ordeal. People dropped everything for us, and that's what gets me choked up to this day. I love you all.

   

September 28, 2018

Hello again!

Earlier this year, I posted about starting my weight loss journey, and about having a healthier year all around. I've been chatting with a close friend this week, and she convinced me it was time for an update. This is kind of uncomfortable to talk about, but I am proud of how far I've come. Seeing my friends' achievements has also helped keep me motivated to keep going, so maybe this will help one of you. I feel like this is mostly just fluff at this point, so I'm going to jump right in. **I know everyone loves a good progress pic so it's at the bottom, ok**

In January of this year, I decided that I was tired of hating the way I looked and the way I treated my body. I could barely squeeze into my jeans, and it sucked. I set a goal of losing 35 pounds, and I wanted to do it in a sustainable way. I decided to start counting my calories, and focus on eating healthier foods and smaller portions. I didn't want to make too many changes all at once so that I wouldn't get burnt out. It was hard.

In February, I cut out pop completely. I put a sticky note where I could see it with the date of my last Vanilla Coke (my faaaave), and wrote the date. February 17th. It was even more difficult than the previous month, but seeing that date kept me going. I did not want to have to mark it out, and write a new date. It sounds silly, but to me, that was failing, and I was determined not to fail.

I also started adding in some exercise here and there. I walk a LOT at my job, including up and down stairs, so that was VERY helpful in keeping me active.

By March, the pounds were falling off, and I was physically and mentally feeling better. It was still difficult, but I kept going.

By summer, my pants were literally falling off, and my lovely parents treated me to some new pairs. I had gone down TWO sizes. It was exhilerating. It, honestly, still is. 

It is September 28th, and I have lost 32 pounds this year. I'm ALMOST at my goal weight, and I feel so much better about myself. I feel better mentally, too. I still have my bad days, but I don't eat my feelings anymore. I am more productive. I can run around with my dog, and not wheeze afterwards. I eat vegetables now. Well, at least more than before haha. I still complain about them, but I don't see that changing anytime soon. I can also fit into my favorite dresses again, and my favorite leather jacket is no longer too tight.

I still have more to do. My next goal is toning a bit, and getting stronger. I'm VERY excited to continue this journey.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap it up by listing things that helped me personally, and I'll include a progress picture at the end. These are things that worked for me. Everyone is different. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life.

• Take baby steps -- don't try to change too much at once
• Hold yourself accountable -- I used an app to count calories (Lose It), and being honest with myself
• It's okay to cheat sometimes -- Special occasions or even a treat yo'self day is fine every once in awhile
• Have a support group -- I know so many girls working on themselves this year. They are all amazing, and it's been a HUGE help feeling like we are all going through this together. 
• Take pictures -- It's super hard to notice yourself losing weight, but seeing pictures helps
• Don't let a bad day turn into a bad forever -- It's ok to mess up, but don't let one day discourage you from trying again the next.

Welp, that pretty much concludes it for me. If you made it this far, here's a picture. On the left is from January and the right is today. This is literally just from counting calories, portion control, and moderate exercise. No fad diets. I still make hella good brownies, and eat the batter, but I'm just conscientious of how often and how much. I repeat -- I still have bad days, and this is difficult, but it gets easier with time, and if you want to do this, too, you can. Ok, here goes.

January 2018 --> September 2018

June 07, 2018

I feel like I have so much to talk about, but I don't know where to start so I guess I'll just start.

I'm sitting in my new office space in our house right now. I have lights up around the window, and my grandpa's old desk. It's so cozy, and I love it. My grandparents' house in Independence sold last week. Actually really quickly. It was kind of crazy, and the timing couldn't have been better. My whole family was together the weekend before because my cousin got married in Kansas City, so my siblings came up from Texas. We all went to my grandparents' house one last time to get the rest of what we wanted, and to say goodbye. Which brings me to this desk. It's green, and it's old, and it's BEAUTIFUL. I love it so much. I used to sit at it as a little kid, and draw pictures or write notes. I'm so happy I get to keep it and actually use it in my own house. <3 p="">

Granger put out our second single a few weeks ago called All My Friends Have Wi-Fi (And So Do Most Of My Neighbors), and we got a pretty good response from it. Small numbers, but genuine comments. That's important. I'm really excited about it because it's been stuck in my head for MONTHS, and it's finally out into the world. We're planning to release the whole album hopefully by the end of this summer, and I can't freaking WAIT. It's very important to me, but I already talked about that in my last blog. From SIX MONTHS AGO. Whoops. Oh well.

This year has been good to me so far. I decided at Christmas that I was going to stop drinking pop, shed some pounds, and really work on myself. I'm freaking STOKED to say that I've lost 25 pounds this year already. HOLY COW THAT'S A LOT. I was thinking I was stuck at 20, but just realized it's actually 25. I'm super excited about it, and honestly a little embarrassed I let it get so out of hand, but YA KNOW. Last year was pretty awful for my mental health, and that's just what happens sometimes. I've been more conscious about what I eat, and have been WAY more active this year. It's done WONDERS for my head space, and I feel so much better about the way I look and the way I feel. WOO!

My job still rules. I'm still VERY happy with where I work, what I do, who I work with. It's lovely. And especially during the summers because we only have 4 day work weeks. It's CRAZY. Also, the perks with this job are just incredible. Last weekend Luke and I went to Silver Dollar City for FREE because we work for a university. It's legit. I can see myself being very happy here for quite a while. Luke is over in IT, and that's LOVELY because I can just complain to him when I have problems with my computer haha. It's very handy to have a husband in IT. Also, everyone in my department is SO NICE. Like, I've never worked somewhere where literally everyone is good to each other. It's drama free, everyone is super chill, and also hilarious. I. LOVE. IT. I also get asked my opinion on products to sell or a good way to do some task. Idk, but it's so nice being useful and appreciated. YES YES YES.

This week is also the first week that Luke and I live ALONE. Oh my goodness, I am SO excited. I'm completely 100% over having roommates. It's the first time in our married life that we've been alone. So that's WONDERFUL. It's lame paying for everything ourselves, but MAN. It's gonna be worth it. Also, this is ridiculous, but we have a 4 bedroom/2bath house, and it is completely unnecessary, but hey! It's a GREAT price, and I love this house and our location so WOOHOO. We each get our shared bedroom, our own space, AND a guest room lol. We'll have to start playing Marco Polo to find each other. Hahahahaha. I'm pumped.

Alright, that's about all I have for tonight. My laptop is gonna die soon, and I'm too lazy to plug it in so LATER GATOR. 

January 7, 2018

HEY THERE! Happy 2018! Can't believe another year has come and gone. I've been thinking about this last year a lot, and I've come to the conclusion that it wasn't my favorite year. The question is why? Why did it feel so shitty? It took me until this week to really nail down the reasons it felt so... sad? Empty? I'm not sure. Let's just start from the beginning. There's a lot to unpack.

So in October of 2016, we (Luke, Hunter, and I) played a show in Las Vegas that was so bad it made us decide to quit touring for a while. It is a long story for another day, but just know that it was awful. All three of us unanimously decided we did not want to do this anymore. We agreed that we would go home, get a house together, and spend the next year writing and recording our next album. We were tired and burnt out. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. We had spent most of 2015/2016 in our mini van touring the country playing some incredibly fantastic shows, but mostly playing to empty rooms or to people who did not care. We made some wonderful friends and saw some amazing places, but it ultimately killed our desire to continue playing shows.

In January of 2017, we signed a lease on a cute little fixer upper in the Joplin area. It was a new start for us as a band, and also as people. Living on the road for so long caused my closest relationships back home to suffer. It wasn't anyone's fault, it is just hard to keep in touch and keep up with everyone's changing lives while you're away 95% of the time. I was determined to fix all of that.

Luke and I both got new jobs in February working for a mental health service called Ozark Center so that we did not have to rely on music to pay for our expenses and also for our recordings. For those of you that don't know, recording music is hella expensive. It was our biggest expense each month that year so we needed something steady. Ironically, Ozark Center contributed to the downfall of my mental health last year. I was slowly losing my mind working in such a negative environment for so little pay, and it was hard to notice at first. The longer the year wore on, the worse and worse I felt without realizing it was a problem. I'll come back to this later.

We started recording one song a month in Springfield with Kevin Gates, who became a very dear friend this year. We'd spend three days at a time at his in-house studio hanging out, creating, and making our ideas into a reality. It was incredibly therapeutic because these songs are very personal for us. We decided to write an album based around one day with each song representing a different part of that same day. We decided to base it around the day that Luke had his skateboarding accident. That particular day caused a lot of anxiety and lingering issues for me because I was there, and I did not know if he was going to be the same again or even survive the head trauma. It was bad. This album was hard to write and also record because I had to face my fears and relive that day over and over and over to get everything out perfectly. I'm glad we did, though, because I feel more at peace. It was something I had to do. These songs are emotional for me, and have so much heart. Even if they go nowhere, I'll have them forever, and I'm proud of what we accomplished.

Anyways, 2017 was filled with so much stress from working dead end jobs, barely making enough money to scrape by, and learning how to live with roommates again.

Finally, in December I got a new job at Missouri Southern, and put in my two weeks at Ozark Center. I worked both jobs those last two weeks, and the difference between them was like night and day. I was moving from a negative environment to the most positive place ever. I couldn't believe it! On one of my last days at Ozark Center, the other receptionist and I got yelled at by a client's mother. Like, literal screaming and yelling at us in person because she didn't understand the process. I did not even know what to do. The other receptionist was crying, and I was on the phone with another client, and it was just a bad situation all around. One of our therapists had to intervene. The next day, I told my boss I wasn't coming back. I had had enough. It just wasn't worth it to finish out those two weeks. MSSU needed me for extra hours anyways, so it was nice being able to give my all to my new job. Luke had just as bad of a time at his location at Ozark Center, and put in his two weeks around the same time as me. We were able to enjoy our holidays in peace since MSSU was closed for break, and he no longer had a physical job -- just his graphic design work.

Since my last day at Ozark Center, my outlook on life has changed completely. I did not realize how much it was clouding my life until I left. 2018 is now a time for me to focus on the positives, and work on myself. I see my flaws clearly, and I am working to better myself for me and for those around me. I'm excited for this new leaf, and I'm ready to face this new year. HECK YA.  

Springtime Thunderstorms

Hello!

It's getting ready to storm, I guess. There has been talk about tornadoes and large hail all day, but we haven't seen anything yet. I'm a bit excited because I love love love storms. I also hate them because they make me nervous, but they sure are beautiful.

I'm sitting on the couch in my parents' living room right now with Ellie asleep next to my leg, and Bunker next to her. They are quite adorable, and I love them both.

There really isn't a whole lot to say today, but I felt like I should write something anyways. Tomorrow Luke and I are going to play an acoustic old timey set at the local retirement home. My Grandma Connie lives there now since Papa Charles passed. I'm so glad she's there now. She's starting to get used to it, but she still wants to go home. She can't live on her own anymore, though, so she has to stay put. It's kind of sad.

Mom and dad took me to Grandma and Papa's house the other day to just look around, and I don't even really know. It was weird. It was a really strange feeling walking inside, and smelling the same smells, and seeing the same sights, but knowing they weren't there. And they wouldn't be there anymore. I went out in their backyard, but it was kind of overgrown, and not how Papa would have it at all. It made me sad. It made me miss him so much. It just isn't the same anymore.

A while back, Luke and I recorded us playing Crazy by Patsy Cline to use when we book shows at assisted living facilities. It's one of my favorite songs, and it's a song that I used to listen to frequently with Grandma and Papa when I would spend time at their house on weekends. It's still kind of tough to make it through that song during our sets because it makes me think of them so easily. So we decided to film a music video for it, and dedicate it to Papa's memory. We filmed some footage at their house, and I think it will turn out really lovely. Maybe it will make things easier for me to get my emotions out in a creative form. I don't know. I hope so. I just cry at really random times, it seems. The fountain at the Independence Park was fixed up recently, and I cried when I saw the pictures, and I cried while listening to Johnny Cash sing old hymns. This is hard. But I know he's still with me. I still carry the lessons he taught me in my heart, and I have the best memories. k

Anyway, enough being sad for one post. I've been playing my piano so much lately, and I LOVE IT. It is the biggest stress relief I have, and I've been practicing and getting better and better. I was pretty rusty for awhile because I don't have a full sized piano anymore, and it is super annoying setting up my midi controller to play my more difficult songs that require more keys. So I've been really happy having my old, out of tune, beautiful piano to play again. I want to be as good as I used to be again. I used to be able to just bust out some songs wherever I was, but now I have to sit and think about what I even know anymore haha. It's so dumb. But, whatever. It is coming together again.

Well, that's enough for one night. <3 p="">-T

1/28/2016

I spent the day sunbathing by the pool of a mansion in Bakersfield, California. I read a few chapters of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and drank Cherry Coke. It was a really lovely afternoon. I even have tan lines!

Let me back up. Why am I at a mansion in Bakersfield, California? Well, I'm on tour with Of Course Not, and have been on the road for about 3 weeks now. We've been in California for the past week, and it has been insanely awesome. We met the lady that lives here in Bakersfield two and a half years ago when we toured through with Foreverlin. She's such a nice lady, and takes really good care of us. We love visiting.

Anyway, in the past three weeks we've seen snow, ice, flat land, hills, mountains, desert, ocean, and 70 degree weather. I've been wearing shorts for the past week. It has been amazing.

I really miss Ellie, though. She's been staying with my parents this month. She's been having a great time, but I miss her dearly. I feel so bad leaving her there, but she really hates being on the road. She doesn't like car rides, and her mutt muffs don't fit super well. She's better off with them. Plus, she loves it, and she loves Bunker, and she loves all of the attention she gets. She's spoiled. Haha.

I also got the news today that the doctors are stopping grandpa's treatments. They basically just want him to be comfortable, and that he has about six months. It is sad. I'm sad. I don't know how to handle it. I had been preparing for this news because I knew it was bound to happen. I mean, he has cancer. Obviously, we would get this news. It still just hits hard, and it makes it worse not being around. I'm still about a week and a half from home, and I'll only be there for 4 days when we get back. It's like I'm fighting time, too. It's just hard. I know he and grandma want me to be following my dreams, and doing what makes me happy, but I still feel guilty not being around. I barely got to see them the last time I was home because we were wedding planning, and then honeymooning, and then it was Christmas. They didn't even come to my wedding, and grandma totally forgot that it even happened. So that sucked. I just don't even know. I am just really upset that this is happening. Grandpa was like a second dad. We spent so much time with him growing up. He took us hiking, and to the park, and the zoo. He taught me about all of the animals that lived at the zoo, and about nature. It's where I learned how to love all of the animals. He'd tell us stories on the porch swing, and we'd make up songs, and play games. We'd have a fish fry almost weekly during the summer, and stay up late watching movies, and eating ice cream. Then we'd wake up early and walk to the corner store to get a newspaper, and some gum or Spree. Man, we had some good times. It's what I will always hold on to. He and grandma gave me a couple of rings that he gave her years and years ago. I love them so much. I'm so glad they did. I guess I'm just going to try to spend as much time with them as I can, and what happens happens.

I'm going to continue watching Modern Family now. Later.

Of Course Knot

IM GETTING MARRIED ON SATURDAY!! I can't believe it is finally happening! Luke DeWitt and I are tying the knot! The OF COURSE KNOT!